Letter to Elliot
Today would have been Elliot's 11th birthday and his mum has written him a letter for his birthday......
Hello my little man,
Although you would not be so little now would you, today we should be celebrating you turning 11– a milestone birthday. Your big sister was 11 when you were born and your big brother turned 11 the year you died. It’s a big number EJ. It is so hard as it feels such a lost world – you were two when I lost you, to think of you turning 11 feels so remote. Just heightens the loss so much more. All the what should have been but can never be….seeing you develop and change, watching the relationship develop with your big brother and sister, seeing you leaving primary and heading to the ‘big’ school, the friendships you never got to have and the life adventures that now will never happen.
Time doesn’t heal my loss EJ, it just helps me adapt and somehow work with the huge EJ hole that is in my heart, soul and our home. I still remember your 2nd birthday – a day out with friends for a picnic at Fountains Abbey. You ran off in Tricia’s hat and kept munching your way through the food everyone brought – you were not keen on your food but liked dipping into everyone else’s hamper. All with your usual mischievous smile and sparkling blue eyes. At the end of the day you were shattered, fast asleep, smelling of cake and sun cream. My heart was happy because I knew you had such a brilliant day. I just thought there would be endless birthdays to come.
Somehow writing a poem this year didn’t seem right – guess I’ve rhymed everything I could and somehow a poem for my 11 year old didn’t fit. I still do talk to you EJ, I hope you hear me. When I see a Robin or a butterfly – I always think it’s you nearby. I miss your love, your hugs, your smile but I also miss your hope and excitement – you always had the next challenge – the next adventure lined up. For you the world was there to explore – I guess on the 3rd March 2013 your world opened up even more EJ – you are now exploring in a way that I can only imagine.
I’m sad, still devastated beyond what anyone could imagine – the pain will always be part of my soul – that’s ok though. I also have so many amazing memories, I was so lucky to hold you in my arms, to watch you grow over the years you were with us and your love has created your Elliot’s Footprint legacy. It’s true that it is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. I know I have gained so much with you being part of my life EJ.
This is my letter to you on your 11th birthday – to tell you that you are still loved more than you will ever know. I hope your adventure is full of joy and delight EJ – I hope I see a Robin or two on your birthday.
I love you