When the Good makes you Sad

Marking the 13th anniversary of Elliot's passing and the 12th anniversary since the charity named after him was established, his mother Andrea has penned this article detailing the emotional journey and her concerns for the future.....

13 years ago today, 3^rd March 2013 our gorgeous little boy went to sleep and never woke up.  No warnings, no illness.  A normal afternoon nap for our 2 year old Elliot on a Sunday afternoon turned into a devastating change in our life journey.

We left hospital that at midnight on that horrendous day with just a leaflet for support that said ‘I’m sorry your baby/child has died’.  I’ve said those words hundreds of times since Elliot died because they still reflect the isolation, devastation and sense of being left alone to cope with something beyond traumatic.

As a bereaved mum, you face a lot of judgement, comments and expectations.  Unless you have trodden this path – you have no idea of the pain that sits with you every single day.  The judgements and expectations usually come as people are uncomfortable with our loss, think that the stages of grief means I am ‘over it’ .  Time doesn’t heal, I have learnt (repeatedly) how to live my life without my gorgeous little boy being the integral part that I know he would have been.  The days when you wake and your heart is beyond heavy, and you just want the world to pause so you don’t have to face it.  The getting to work and sitting in the car because the tears just appear and need to let you know that they are there.  On the outside it often looks a very different story, and it has to really - which is ok as you need to keep going in life, you need to engage and if you stop you worry that tears will start and never stop. 

So where does the good come from in any of this? 12 year ago, as a direct result of our experience we launched Elliot's Footprint to help other families rebuild their life after the Sudden Death of their child.  We didn’t want any other family to be left alone to deal with their loss.  I know the personal impact of being in that space.  Over the past 12 years I have met some inspirational professionals, courageous families and had the invaluable expertise, passion and commitment of our board members. 

Over the last 12 years we have developed the first ever partnership to provide tailored bereavement support after the sudden loss of a child, published an invaluable piece of research and undertaken training with Schools, Police and Hospitals.

We have also more recently experienced concerns and worry that financial challenges will mean that we could no longer fund our front-line bereavement support.  Although it is a Statutory requirement that families receive this support – it has been left to Elliot's Footprint and our funding partner to deliver this priceless support at a cost borne by both organisations.  The thought that we can’t continue to ensure this support is in place has taken its toll, I know the difference that our incredible bereavement support worker makes.

So for all the good work we can and have done, the sadness comes with a cost.  The cost that I wish for all the world I wasn’t involved, that the 3^rd March 2013 never happened so I could be blissfully unaware of the world of SUDC.  The sadness also comes in knowing that there is so much more impact we can have for families and to not be able to continue because of the financial climate is so hard and there is so little out there to pick up the support for families if we are unable to.

However, determined we are at Elliot's Footprint though and we are entering into a new exciting period, not only have we welcome a new Trustee to our board who has already set up an amazing fundraiser for us which we will share this week – we also have a new announcement coming tomorrow which will help us take Elliot's legacy into the future.

We will reveal more tomorrow.  For today, this is about you Elliot, your love, that cheeky glint you always had in your eyes and your unconditional love that is held at the core of everyone who knew you.

Wherever you are little man, I will always love you more than words can ever say, my gorgeous EJ.

Love forever, mummy

xxx